Domestic Abuse & the Holidays go hand in hand.. (guest blog)

I came across this  while reading MyBossier blog..and invited Jim to share it with us in Cenla….Alex

 

As a fellow Louisiana blogger, I follow Alex Cenla faithfully.  In fact, I published a guest blog on My Bossier from “Alex” regarding the Haynesville Shale gas play in our area.  Some of the warnings he gave my readers have indeed turned out to be problems.
I am running a series now on domestic abuse, and have posted a blog on My Bossier from Samantha McAllister, a Bossier City attorney who specializes in family law.  “Alex” asked if he could publish it in full and the answer, of course, was yes.

 

When No One Would Listen

M. Samantha McAllister graduated summa cum laude from LSU-Shreveport, earned a Masters in history from Louisiana Tech and received her Juris Doctorate and Bachelor of Civil Law degree from LSU, Paul M. Hebert School of Law. She practices family law in Bossier City and is admitted to practice before all state courts in Louisiana, the U.S. District Court, Western District, and the United States Fifth Circuit Court of Appeals.
She agreed to share her expert view and to offer advice to victims of domestic violence.

Perhaps not one moment in my life was more pivotal than the day my mother took me to the YWCA Family Violence Shelter to volunteer at just eight years of age. Little did I know, my life would become consumed in helping victims of domestic violence; providing the personal commitment to help those without a voice, voices that had been silenced by the threats and violent acts of their abusers. This is my area of expertise. I help women who are victims of abuse, and I do not take any cases in which the spouse is abusive. I believe in my client’s cases and, because domestic violence litigation in still in its “toddler years,” I learn everyday how to better protect my clients and their children.
When I was asked to write a “guest blog,” I had recently been hired to represent a dear friend on a divorce/custody action involving domestic abuse, which unfortunately has spun out of control, causing my friend and client pain beyond belief. Yes, I became personally involved. Yes, I became angry. I realized how, even though we have made great strides in domestic abuse legislation, there is simply not enough protection for those who have been or are being abused. A travesty of injustice remains for victims of abuse, which is why advocates like myself would like to give you information on what you need to know if you are, think you are, or know someone who is being abused.
When the issue of domestic abuse arises in a court proceeding, the obvious question is “Where is the physical evidence?” However, more often than not, the case surrounds emotional and/or verbal abuse, or a repeated pattern of the same, followed by physical abuse. The physical abuse can take many forms other than simply hitting, slapping, or punching; for example, forcing sexual intercourse, grabbing, choking, or threatening bodily harm with a weapon. Verbal abuse and emotional abuse constitutes a pattern of intimidation, humiliation, degradation, belittling, criticizing, control and manipulation. For example, a woman who is controlled by her spouse is often told how and what to eat, what to wear, how to style her hair, what church to attend, that she is to provide sex on demand, clean and cook to the abuser’s expectations, and is belittled, berated, and shamed for not providing such in the manner the abuser expects. Emotional and verbal abuse can be much more exhausting than physical abuse because it leaves a trail of scars that do not go away with time. The scars are very real, harsh and run deep, often affecting the victim’s children.
Here are some of the key warning signs of domestic violence:
· Physical Abuse: Hitting, slapping, kicking, choking, pushing, punching, beating, forcing you to leave and locking you out of the house.
· Verbal Abuse: Constant criticism, making humiliating remarks, using abusive language, not responding to what you are saying, mocking, name-calling, yelling, swearing, interrupting, changing the subject.
· Disrespect: Interrupting, changing topics, not listening or responding, twisting your words, telling you what to think and how you should feel, putting you down in front of other people, saying bad things about your friends and family.
· Minimizing, Denying & Blaming: Making light of behavior and not taking your concerns about it seriously, saying the abuse didn’t happen, shifting responsibility for abusive behavior, saying you caused it.
· Sexual Violence: Forcing sex on an unwilling partner; demanding sexual acts that you do not want to perform, degrading treatment.
· Isolation: Preventing or making it hard for you to see friends and relatives, monitoring phone calls, reading mail, controlling where you go, taking your car keys.
· Coercion and Pressure Tactics: Making you feel guilty, pushing you into decisions, sulking, manipulating children and other family members, always insisting on being right, making up impossible rules and punishing you for breaking them, rushing you to make decisions through “guilt-tripping” and other forms of intimidation, sulking, threatening to withhold money, manipulating the children, ordering you around.
· Harassment: Following you, or stalking you, embarrassing you in public; constantly checking up on you, refusing to leave when asked.
· Economic Control: Not paying bills, refusing to give you money, hiding or withholding financial resources, not letting you work if that’s what you choose to do, interfering with your job, taking your car keys or otherwise preventing you from using the car, refusing to work and support the family.
· Abusing Trust: Lying, breaking promises, withholding important information, being unfaithful, being overly jealous, not sharing domestic responsibilities.
· Threats and Intimidation: Threatening to harm you, your children, family members and pets; using physical size to intimidate, shouting; standing in the door way during arguments to stop you from leaving; keeping weapons and threatening to use them.
· Emotional Withholding or Neglect: Not expressing feelings, not giving compliments, not taking your concerns seriously, not paying attention, not respecting your feelings, rights and opinions. You never know where your relationship stands. Not spending time with family.
· Abusing Authority: Always claiming to be right (insisting statements are “the truth”); telling you what to do or not to do; making big decisions; using twisted “logic.”
· Destruction of Property: Destroying furniture, punching walls/doors, throwing things, breaking dishes, kicking or hurting pets.
· Self-Destructive Behavior: Abusing drugs or alcohol, threatening self-harm or suicide, driving recklessly, deliberately doing things that will cause trouble (like telling off the boss).
If you are a victim of domestic violence/know a victim of domestic violence, I would like to “arm” with you the following advice:
1) Find support, whether it is an attorney, a police officer, a friend, a family member, or a support group. The fight will not be an easy one; you will need someone to stand beside you and be your “rock” so that you simply will not give up making your voice heard.

2) If you have not already, LEAVE your abuser. Go to your support system to help. Do not stay in an unsafe situation for you and your children’s sake. Gather clothes for yourself and your children, along with your children’s birth certificates, and store them in a safe place – with a friend, relative, neighbor, or somewhere your abuser cannot find them.

3) Contact a domestic violence shelter and see if there is an opening for you and your children. Bossier City will open its first Family Justice Center in May 2009, at 1513 Doctors Drive, Bossier City, Louisiana. The center promises to bring to domestic violence victims all the services she needs. I am proud of our District Attorney for this accomplishment, and hope our city will band together to make this program a huge success.

4) Find an attorney who is experienced and has successfully fought cases in which women were abused. Your spouse’s attorney will throw up many challenges and will fight much like your spouse, to abuse and bully you and attempt to control the case until you are emotionally defeated. Find an attorney willing to fight for you, and willing to take the appropriate avenues to help your case. This may mean going above and beyond, spending a day at the courthouse, escorting you to a shelter and/or police station, or finding a judge who will listen. You may not have a lot of money to hire an attorney initially. Talk to family, friends, your church and raise funds. Call the bar association and ask if there is a pro bono section of the bar that may help you.

5) Create a paper trail. This is the best way to make the State recognize there is a pattern of abuse. Make a journal of everything that has happened so far. Write down witness’s names, addresses, phone numbers and what they can testify to. Save any emails, text messages, and/or any other correspondence your abuser has sent you. Go to the police and file reports each and every time you are being abused, harassed or stalked, no matter how small a matter you think it was. Even if the reports do not achieve fruition, you have created a trail showing a repetitive pattern of abuse.

6) If you have been physically abused, go to the hospital and have them make a medical record. Tell them you have been abused, and ask for the police. Make sure you have a medical examination and pictures made of the scars, bruises, etc.

7) File a protective order and file for divorce under the domestic violence statutes. Arm yourself for your protective order hearing with witnesses and evidence. If the protective order hearing is unsuccessful, appeal your case to a higher court.
In conclusion, never stay in your home and allow yourself to be abused. There is hope, there are people who care and there are people who are willing to fight. Stay strong, and make your voice heard!
For Further Resources see:
Louisiana Coalition Against Domestic Violence, http://www.lcadv.org/
National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, http://www.ncadv.org/

A special thanks to  Jim for an informative story that I hope a lot of people will read and remember.

http://mybossier.blogspot.com/

Alex

Cell phones & driving.

I know its a subject that has been beat to death.  But when you are driving down Jackson street  at 11:30 in the morning and in front of you a lady is talking on her cell phone. And I am not stretching the truth about this. She stops in front of Pattons Jewelry and makes a U_turn in the middle of Jackson Street, still talking on her cell phone.It’s a good thing a few of the drivers coming and going were not speeding. She was just lucky. She lives to drive another day. I am sure she did not think about her actions at all.

If you are going to talk and drive for god sake get a bluetooth ear device. Keep both hands on the wheel instead of your elbow.

Every time I see a dummy  with their hand to their ear I slow down and watch them like a hawk, because most of them have no idea of what they are doing. It’s like the old saying. They can not walk and  chew gum at the same time…You can not talk and drive a car at the same time….

And I am sorry, It is the women who excell at this art.

Next time you are driving down Jackson take your own survey…

Maybe we should start beeping our horn’s every time we see one of these dummy’s with their phone glued to their ear…

Honestly I dont have enough friends to talk as long as I have seen some do.

Anyway, the next time you see some one driving and talking on their cell, beep your horn five short beeps..

Get off the phone dummy!

Alex

Someone get this building condemned!

 

 

(Update:  The building was demolished and now there is a vacant lot, with out the eyesore.)

Every day as I drive down Jackson Street I am greeted by this scenic wonder. I have complained about it before to no avail. As you drive by the front of it there are no windows and the doors are open. It is a dump of the first magnitude and no one seems to care. WHO is the owner? I can’t do it with out compromising myself. Would someone step up to the plate and get this eye sore erased before someone is hurt?  If we want to keep Alexandria beautiful then this building needs to be demolished……Not a pretty sight for tourist going into downtown on the main thoroughfare. Right across the street from the old city utility office.

 

Police Jury votes themselves hefty raises.

In an economic down turn they vote themselves a  hefty pay hike.

But yet want the public to vote on a tax for the Colosseum because they let it run down.

Politics as usual is not the word for this fiasco.

There were three members that turned a thumb’s down for the raise but still will get it..Here is the catch, do you think they will refuse it even though they voted against it ?????

THAT WOULD REALLY SURPRISE ME IF THEY DID.

But I would vote for the tax proposal, if it were used properly…

I love Louisiana politics!!!

Ya probably won’t hear a peep from anyone though.

Alex

Aftermath and beyound. (Elections & the race issue)

Well I have not commented for the past few days. I have been sitting in my office and watching with interest the outcome of the elections. Even in the voting turnout it was better than expected. Although there were only three people in front of me when I arrived to push the buttons.

Some of  the people I voted for won and some lost. I have no ill feelings toward any of them. I wish them the best of luck… 

This race thing is getting to me though. I am talking about some of the bloggers and a lot of the people I talk to. I get crude jokes and email comments about the new president elect almost hourly. I sometime smile and sometime shake my head at the crudeness and rudeness.  BUT WE ARE GUARANTEED FREEDOM OF SPEECH, so we should be able to express our feelings in anyway we wish. (and a lot of us do.)

I was born in the time of separate restrooms and water fountains..back sections of restaurants and stay in your neighborhood. I was of the privileged who had a nanny in my childhood. I was also one who listened to the storys she told me and remembered them. She was a proud, intelligent person who knew how to handle people in her world. I saw the way she would change her personality, depending upon the people she would talk to. As I grew older I understood why she did this. Self-preservation. It was a cruel world she lived in.

I  was lucky enough growing up to attend both public and military private schools, so my outlook on race issues was on a better footing than just being kept in a specific geographic area. I counted as my friends a broad range of people of all races. I placed them all on equal basis.

It all boils down to one thing. Intelligence. The ability to communicate on an equal playing field and hold your own with the person you are interacting with.

There are stupid people of all races. I meet them every day. They lack the ability to express themselves on even the most basic level.

There are smart people of all races. People who when you meet them they eclipse you with their knowledge.

So I do not judge a person on their race..That is not even important.

Judge them on their ability to do the things they aspire to do.

There are stupid people on the city council and in every branch of government.  There will always be.

That is a problem we need to solve by electing people who have the ability to do the job they were elected for.

Our new president elect should not be condemmed before he is out of the gate. I have an idea he is going to fool a lot of people. Especially those who are making fun of him because of his race.

Judge them by their ability…not by their color..

Now, throw a crude remark my way because of what I have just said.

Alex

Tuesday is election day.

IF you go and vote you fulfill your right to select a new President of the United States.  If you care about your country you will do this. You may wait in line 10 minutes or two hours. Its worth the waiting in line to do.We are accustomed to our freedom.  Most of us do not give it a thought. To vote, to express your feelings out loud with out the risk of fear if you do so.

I remember one afternoon in 1978, I stood in a public square in Athen’s Greece. My wife and I had taken a stroll around the hotel that we were staying in. We by accident walked into the middle of a communist rally. We saw the police with their machine guns standing all around the area. We watched as a young man was beaten by one of these policeman for expressing his support for the rally. It was not a pretty sight. I still remember that young man to  this day. Not a good memory to take with you.

Walking off a ship in Turkey and watching a tape recorder being jerked out of the hand of a young girl by a Turkish policeman also was not a sight one likes to remember. She lost her tape recorder. She had used it to record her journey in several of the country’s she had visited.

We take our freedom in the United States sometimes lightly. In other country’s we would not be so lucky.

A lot of people in the United States have never seen these sights ..first hand as I have. They leave a very permanent impression in your mind.

We vote for a President Tuesday.

Here in the past few month we have been subjected to a barrage of propaganda second only to what the people of pre World War Two Germany experienced.  (I only make that inference because of the way the media handled their responsibility)

The media has been totally if not almost completely one sided in their slanting of the coverage of the two candidates. Say what you will,  anyone with any intelligence at all would acknowledge that..

I will not say who I favor. That.. like a lot of things are in the list of freedoms we enjoy.

When you step into that booth Tuesday, make the choice you think is right in your heart.

Look at the records of both men. dont be blinded by promises that they both have made. In all probablity 90% of these promises will not come about in the way they have laid them out.

Think….long and hard….then vote and hope.

I know I will.

Alex